The drones were detected only moments before they entered Earth’s atmosphere. All across the planet, each roughly the size of a basketball and separated from their brethren by about 9,000 feet, they hung suspended in the air.
No one knew what to think. Some anticipated an interplanetary war and began to panic. They left the cities, but no matter where they went, they couldn’t get more than a mile from one of the strange objects. Others, more optimistic, believed the drones to be part of a research mission from some curious alien.
Some believed the drones were an altruistic outreach by a species hoping save us from ourselves.
Others thought the drones were creating a sort of ‘net’ to pull us away from the Sun’s orbit.
Everyone had a theory regarding the motives of the creatures who sent the probes, but few suspected the beings behind the advanced network of antigravitational machines weren’t kind-hearted or war-hungry, but instead narcissistic.
“Testing.” After a few weeks’ worth of silence, a voice rang out from every speaker. “Testing.”
The sounds were ear-piercingly high, and the Earth’s populace was momentarily brought to its knees.
“This is the voice of General Ad’Xin’Ma, Speaker for Emperor Ad’Yo. Welcome, people of Earth, to our broadcast network! You’ve been selected to receive live readings about the status of the wisest, most benevolent ruler in the galaxy! Emperor Ad’Yo is currently asking the technicians if the sound system for Earth is working. The technicians state that it is, and that it is relaying the status of the emperor in real-time. Emperor Ad’Yo, wisest and most benevolent of rulers, seems pleased by this, and-”
As time went on, people grew accustomed to the constant droning. Many wore earmuffs or other sound-protective gear. Some began building subterranean and subaquatic residences in order to escape. Others simply allowed themselves to go deaf.
“-Emperor Ad’Yo, wisest and most benevolent of rulers, is currently traveling to his meal chamber in order to consume his fifth meal of the day. He just glanced up at the ceremonial Guild Gun, then he refocused his eyes forward. He’s approaching the threshold of the meal room, and-“
Perhaps out of madness, people soon began acting out these scenes as they were announced. Ad’Yo actors sprung up, and live audiences, already forced to listen to the alien broadcast, were happy to at least have visual accompaniment.
“-And the Emperor seems to be stirring, even while he sleeps. Oh wise and benevolent ruler, his breathing guides our civilization to the future! On his brow rests the dreams of not just his own weary mind, but all of our dreams!”
It became all too clear that the emperor was less wise and benevolent than asserted. If anything, from what Earthlings could gather, he seemed short-tempered, spoiled, and dumber than those propping him up on the throne. Some people tried to silence the drones by encasing them in concrete or covering them in foam. In both cases, and in every other case where creative solutions were employed, the drone simply grew hot enough that the foam melted away and the concrete shattered.
It took less than four years before a second wave of drones arrived. These were far smaller, separated by a much greater distance, hung at a higher elevation than the first wave, and were pyramidal in form.
“Hello Earth! Welcome to the Galactic community! Are you tired of sulfuric dust staining the hull of your spacecraft? Embarrassed by red streaks of iron marring your otherwise beautiful vessel? Introducing Giginnii-gi-gi’s Hull Wax! With Giginnii-gi-gi’s Hull Wax you can venture into the heart of the dingiest nebulae without any lingering residue clinging to your ship!”
Twenty-four hours a day, both sets of drones competed against one another. Most people by this time were happy to be deaf… Theirs was the only silence to be found on the planet, as the second generation of drones somehow had the ability to permeate the depths of the ocean and earth with their ear-splitting advertisements.
The third generation of drones were the size of paperclips and hung above the heads of each person. Following everyone no matter where they went, these tiny annoyances telepathically inserted their messages into the psyches of every man, woman, and child.
“Were you Gorping my sister!?”
“Oh hell no, I know you weren’t accusing me of gorping that ugly ass ho!”
“Glendorpas, please, stop fighting!”
With these telepathic abilities, even the deaf weren’t spared. It became impossible to form complex thoughts and most societies that remained began experiencing large-scale breakdowns. Suicides skyrocketed and few felt in the mood to replace them with new humans.
The fourth generation of drones consisted of a fine metallic dust that coated the Earth.
“Please copy this technology and send this message, along with 500 kg of gold, to 10 different alien civilizations, including the one who sent it to you. Good luck will follow if you continue this chain. The people of Zardoffin’ka were nearly wiped out by a strange-matter asteroid, but they followed the instructions given by these modules and soon their population was flourishing better than it ever had. The people of Gates da Feriffic, meanwhile, ignored these modules and one of their Suns went supernova and killed all of them in a matter of hours. Good luck is certain to follow your people as well so long as you copy the technology and send it, along with 500 kg of gold, to 10 different alien civilizations, including the one who sent it to you.”
The 500 kg of gold that had crash landed on Earth had smashed into London, taking out most living within the sprawling metropolis. Many considered them the lucky ones, as they were no longer subject to the voices.
By the time a fifth wave of drones (telephone-pole sized rods that pierced into the Earth and turned the planet’s crust into an amplifying speaker) landed and began professing the Good Word of Za, humans had been reduced to a few scattered tribes clinging to life. No one wanted to build when their heads were so full of pollution, and instead simply waited to die. Most animals, relying on sound to survive, had already gone extinct. The Earth was quickly becoming a giant open-air mass grave.
The ribbon-like sixth wave of probes broadcast their message to an empty world.