Sebastian checked the schedule and groaned… For the next two weeks he was assigned to the Smoking Room.
“Oh, I recognize that tone of voice. Smoking room, huh?” The man beside him asked.
Sebastian nodded.
“I guess I got off lucky. I’m on Feces Detail.” The man beamed. “All the food I can eat, then some.”
“Willow’s excused me from that job.” Sebastian sighed. “Says my gut flora’s not optimal and I get dehydrated too easily.”
The men exchanged a few small words of departure, then each headed toward his respective assignment. As Sebastian passed from the human sleeping quarters and into the sunlight, he was sprayed with a cloud of pollen from an imposing, elephant-sized Begonia.
“Smoking duty.” The Begonia’s translation-fungi bellowed.
“Yes.” Sebastian confirmed.
The Begonia pointed to a path lined on either side by large mounds of coal, but Sebastian was no stranger to the Smoking Room and knew exactly where to go. He nodded respectfully to the plant, then headed toward his workstation.
It was a lovely summer day… Warm enough not to require heavy clothing, and perhaps even warm enough not to snow. Sebastian took a breath of fresh air and felt a rush as the oxygen-saturated atmosphere reinvigorated him.
At one time in the recent past, mankind had faced a grim future filled with elevated carbon levels, excess pollution, and complete environmental destruction, so humans did what they did best and altered the world around them to help overcome these obstacles. Plants were given genetic overhauls and began sucking up the carbon, the plastics, the heavy metals…
…And as they did, they changed. Slowly at first, but then seemingly all at once they became larger… Stronger… And even smarter. Some became mobile, and through their root-systems all had obtained a kind of strange, shared sentience. By the time humans realized what was happening it was too late. With their ability to absorb most materials and share data across sprawling networks of roots and mycelia, the plants had taken over.
Culling humans was easy work. Toxic clouds of pollen, or poisonous algae spores in water, or even outright violence took care of most of mankind… And what could humanity do to fight back? The base of the food chain had waged outright war against the top of it.
So humans were brought to the brink of extinction, but the plants soon realized they needed people in order to create the pollution they so desperately craved. Without humans there’d be no more carbon, or plastic, or heavy metals… Not in the amounts they required.
Sebastian passed by an Apple Tree guarding a large gymnasium. It leaned a branch toward him and, detecting the pollen coating his body, opened the door. He nodded to the tree, then coughed as he stepped into the smoke-filled room. He carefully maneuvered across the floor, avoiding the roots sticking up from floorboards, passed by the Coal Burning Units, and took a seat at a table with three others: a man and two women. Each had a pile of cigarettes in front of them, with Sebastian’s being the largest pile. He sighed, took one, put it in his mouth, lit it, and took a small drawl from it before letting out a small puff of smoke. The roots nearest him swayed in excitement as they absorbed the pollutants from the air.
It wasn’t the ideal situation, but Sebastian had to admit things could’ve been worse. He joined the others in jovial conversation, and some small part of him marveled at how quickly humanity had adapted to the new circumstances. After all, everyone had ample food grown by their overlords, shelter provided by interlocking branches and roots, and outside the Smoking Room, the freshest air anyone could ever breathe.
Sebastian exhaled a lungful of smoke and contemplated this. All in all, the Earth’s new stewards weren’t all that bad.
