Mr. Hammond’s fingers drummed in annoyance as he stared at the junior architect. “Well?” He asked.
The junior architect, Andy Locklove, studied his computer and referred to a pile of documents on his desk. “Still testing.” He said.
Mr. Hammond gave an overly loud groan. “Is this seriously going to take all day?”
Now it was Andy’s turn to grow annoyed. “Sir, I’m going as fast as I can. You can always skip this step if it’s bothering you.”
“They won’t give me insurance.” Mr. Hammond growled.
“Understandably so.” Andy replied. “Would you want to insure someone who moved into a parallel reality without verifying the safety of their builds?”
“Why not? I’ve been a construction worker here in Universe-Prime for decades. I know what I’m doing.”
“You know what you’re doing in Universe-Prime.” Andy corrected. He turned his computer screen so that Mr. Hammond could see it. “Look here.” He pressed a button, and the screen displayed a world that looked nearly identical to a primal Earth. The only difference was the houses were not made of stone or wood but were instead constructed of a dull metal. “This is the settlement on Earth X17-Y344-Z7. You see their buildings? You know what they’re made of?”
“What?” Mr. Hammond snapped.
“Aluminum. Now tell me Mr. Hammond, have you ever built a house of aluminum?”
“I’ve assembled my fair share of prefab garages in the past.” He answered.
“But look! You see all those trees around them? Why wouldn’t they make their houses from wood?”
“I don’t know.” Mr. Hammond quickly answered, though it was obvious his sour mood was dissipating as he began to comprehend the limitations of his knowledge.
“Because in this universe the trees evolved to store sugars in small nodules in their trunks, and some native insects excrete potassium permanganate. Now tell me Mr. Hammond, with all your construction expertise, why did the insurance companies refuse coverage to those who built their homes from native wood?”
“I… don’t know.” He repeated, feeling far more humble.
“It’s because insects will burrow into the trees and eat those sugars. While the trees are alive they’re able to keep their nodules wet, but when cut down to build a log cabin those nodules dry out. Those sugars will mix with insect excreta, and under the pressure of the rest of the log house, they spontaneously ignite. Thanks to our firm’s tests, we were able to avoid a crisis… A crisis, mind you, that the Russians failed to detect with their outpost.”
“But you know that won’t affect us.” Mr. Hammond argued. “We’re bringing our own bricks.”
“Let me show you the Earth in Universe X983-Y-1455-Z-600.” Andy said. He pressed a few keys, and the screen displayed a section of woods filled with piles of gray dust. “Behold! The bustling Town of Greenburg! According to the last census the population was just over four hundred, and it lists its demographics as being a quarter Jewish, a quarter Vanist, and half Christian. Different beliefs, but all wanting to escape to an alternate universe to practice their faiths without being bogged down by modern laws. They thought they could skip all the red tape involved with safety procedures if they brought their own building materials too.”
“But there’s nothing there.” Mr. Hammond said.
“Not now, no.” Andy agreed. “Because they built next to a swamp filled with an algae that releases clouds of carbon dioxide. Under the right weather conditions, this CO2 mixes with moisture in the air and creates low-lying clouds of carbonic acid. By itself, not harmful to humans, but when it settles on limestone… Well…” He turned the screen back around and shrugged. “From what I hear the citizens of Greenburg rectified their mistake and returned for inspections. After consultation, they managed to resettle just a few miles away from their original town. It turns out native wood works rather well in their universe, but they only learned that for certain after coming to us.”
“I see your point.” Mr. Hammond grumbled.
“I know it’s annoying, waiting for the inspection to go through, but there are so many things to test for. We’re not just running simulations based on native life forms, but weather conditions, geology, chemistry, geochemistry… Hell, we’ve discovered a few universes where long term exposure to light causes potassium to become radioactive. We’re not sure why, but we think photons knock the outer electron from orbit.” Andy shrugged. “Anyway, looking at your proposed Earth, it seems there are a few issues with volcanism. Things should still be fine, but we need to make sure there aren’t any problems with fissures, gas clouds, or explosions. After a detailed inspection we should be able to find a good place for you to settle, and with our stamp of approval, you’ll be one step closer to being insured.”