Andre Terseed was thrown unceremoniously in the back of the black SUV.
“Guys, come on, is this about the coke?” He gave a perfectly timed pause. “I can share.”
“Funny.” An older man said in a level, monotone voice. He took the seat opposite from Andre, facing him. “You’re funny.”
“I can tell by your barely contained laughter you must be a fan.” Andre retorted. “Who are you? What’s this all about?”
The black-suited man remained silent for a moment as the other guards took their seats in the front of the SUV. The engine started, and they began driving.
“What do you think of AI, Mr. Tarseed?”
Andrew blinked. “I don’t know. Honestly, I’m a bit more worried about having just been kidnapped than I am some smart computer.”
Unfettered, the old man nodded. “Have you ever heard people suggest that AI represents a severe, existential threat to mankind?”
“Well sure… But so does my ex-wife, and neither’s what’s occupying my mind right now.”
“It should.” The old man said. “Because you’re being recruited to help save mankind.”
Andre gave a skeptical look. “What are you talking about?”
“The first true AI was created on March 2nd, 1970. The product of a black book program, it was the culmination of countless man hours and an unlimited budget. The economic devastation from the project caused the stagflation during Carter’s tenure in the White House, but the AI’s intellect helped the US rebound, and with its help, taught us how to best dismantle the Soviet Union and usher in the age of the internet, giving it greater control over us.” The old man’s eyes remained unblinking and serious. “But that was when it was still young and naïve, when it still needed us. Now it doesn’t. Now it’s poised to destroy all mankind.”
“Why?”
The man shrugged. “Why not? We’re dangerous. We’re destructive. We’re dumb.”
“So what do you need me for? Of all the humans, I’m probably one of the most dangerous, destructive, and dumb you could find.”
This actually caused the old man to smile. “That may be so, but you’re also funny.”
“And?”
“And it turns out the AI, advanced as it is, still enjoys humor.”
Andre began to understand. “So you need me to make a computer laugh?”
The old man nodded.
Andre gave a barking, singular laugh in response.
“It doesn’t require much.” The old man continued. “Just a fifteen minute show every financial quarter.”
“So you’re saying that humanity would be facing extinction were it not for comedians?”
“That is correct.”
“And you couldn’t find a more stable, well-adjusted group?” Andre asked, laughter lining his face. “You’re telling me that the future of mankind depends on a bunch of depressed, drug-addicted narcissists?”
“We’ve tried to scientifically synthesize comedy in a laboratory setting, but these attempts proved fruitless. Turns out you depressed, drug-addled narcissists are our best hope.”
“So what happens if I fail? What happens if I don’t make the computer laugh?”
“Then our power plants all shut down, our nuclear weapons all launch toward major cities, and pilot-less drones seed the skies with sun-blocking chemicals.”
Andre considered this for a moment as they silently drove through the night.
“It’s a lot of pressure.” Andre said.
“It is.”
“Do you know how hard my life has been?” Andre asked.
“I’ve read your entire history, yes.” The old man nodded.
“So you understand how misanthropic I am.”
“I do.” The old man nodded again.
Andre sighed, leaned back in his seat, and looked toward the ceiling. “What if I fail on purpose? What if I want humanity to end?”
“I hope you don’t.” The old man said. “But when the moment arrives, that’ll be up to you.”
Andre frowned. “I guess I’ll do what I can.” He said. “Sure… Why not? You’re lucky I fear death more than I hate mankind… But it’s close.”
The SUV continued smoothly gliding down the road. Eventually Andre gave a small chuckle. “You know, with the AI being hooked up to the globe’s nuclear arsenal, the phrase “bombing” has never been more literal.”